Dating a freshly-divorced or soon-to-be-divorced man is bound to fill you with doubt—is he still into his wife? Is their sex life still going?
Well, it’s not too uncommon for ex-partners to rekindle their relationship, so it wouldn’t hurt for you to be careful.
Don’t waste your time dating a person who can’t let go of their ex! Although they might still need some time, it’s not fair for you to wait until (and if) they heal.
– Why do men have a hard time leaving their wives?
Two people who love, cherish, and plan to spend the rest of their lives together decide to get married—what happens after the marriage is unexpected.
A man may love his wife but fantasize about breaking up their marriage due to issues and the unwillingness to resolve them.
Other than love, he may still care and wish to support her.
You hear about people who’ve been together with their significant other since forever (not literally) and don’t wish to start over with someone new.
And of course, the presence of children in marriages affects the parents’ decision to stay—the risk for a couple with children to divorce is 40% lower.
If your boyfriend’s situation is similar, he may have a mixture of emotional and sexual feelings for his wife, intentional or not.
Here are 12 signs that your boyfriend is still sleeping with his wife, and might even have feelings for her:
1. He hasn’t introduced you to the world.
If a man hasn’t introduced you to his family, that’s him keeping you a secret in order not to lose any chances he has of getting back together with his ex-wife.
He doesn’t view you as a long-term partner but more like a distraction until he and his wife remedy their marriage.
If they have children together, it’s important for you to meet the ex-wife as well! Whether you like it or not, she is the mother of his children and a big part of his life.
2. He won’t listen to your pleas to stop talking to her.
That’s his ex-wife, so he can’t cut her out cold turkey, however, he shouldn’t be overstepping any boundaries and making you feel uncomfortable.
If your boyfriend talks to her often, texts her, and calls her any chance he gets, there might still be a spark between them.
They either talk a lot because they’re still sleeping together, or started sleeping together due to the large amount of contact they have—both equally bad.
3. He flirts with her…often.
Not to get flirting confused with being nice, of course!
- He compliments her a bit too much, gets too close to her, and acts the same way they did when they were married/had a great marriage.
Reciprocated flirting suggests that there is still chemistry between your partner and his wife, which means they are either still having sex, or thinking about it.
4. He goes over often or they might still live together.
Unless they have kids and he’s respecting his visitation rights, I don’t see why he would spend the majority of his time at his ex-wife’s home.
If they meet up often, sex is one of the reasons.
As for them still living together, it would make anybody uncomfortable! Things escalate quickly between exes in closed spaces and intimacy.
Hold him accountable when he says he will be moving out soon—if they’re just empty promises, your boyfriend might be trying to avoid divorce altogether.
5. He lies whenever his ex-wife is in question.
He lies about not having met up with her recently and about not talking to her, something there’s no need to lie about if they were simply on friendly terms.
When you tell him you know he’s lying, only then does he start slowly revealing the truth, e.g. telling you he only kept it a secret so that you don’t get upset.
6. Your sex life is practically non-existent.
If someone can’t bring themselves to have sex with their new partner, it’s usually because they still love the ex-spouse—this sign usually pertains to married people.
In his mind, your partner thinks that by having sex with other people he’s betraying his ex-wife (even though they’re already divorced).
Another possibility is that your boyfriend suddenly stopped all sexual acts because he recently started having sex with his wife again.
7. He’s too busy for you but not for her.
In other words, his ex-wife is still his priority even after everything, which is quite dangerous for your relationship.
He drops everything just to be with her, even canceling your overdue plans as soon as she calls him.
He fulfills her every wish even when he tells you he’s too busy and can’t spend time together.
- People prioritize the people they love, and your boyfriend might still be emotionally or sexually attracted to his wife; maybe their intimacy is pushing him to put her first.
8. He’s *still* emotionally close to her.
Most affairs start from the mind: two people who understand each other and feel comfortable with opening up.
If, after all this time, your partner is still emotionally attached to his wife, then he probably still has the hots for her.
This goes to show that she’s still that person for him and it’ll be a while before he completely moves on.
9. Whenever you look at his hand, his ring is still there.
Nothing says “I still love my wife” more than him wearing his ring, something he’s probably doing because he doesn’t want to let go of his marriage.
For all we know, he might even be lying to you about not being married, something that happens to the best of us!
10. He talks about his ex-wife in awe.
I believe we can learn a lot about a person’s character based on how they talk about their exes—it would be icky if your boyfriend were to bash and insult her.
But, if he talks as if he’s absolutely starstruck by her, then he’s not even trying to hide his feelings and there’s a strong chance they’re sleeping together.
- He says things that put you in doubt, such as calling her the most attractive woman in the world, complimenting her personality, and reminiscing about the time they were together.
11. He just can’t go through with the divorce.
His divorce has been on the table for such a long time now that you think he’ll never go through with it
You want to date someone who only belongs to you and isn’t married, which is why you probably keep asking your boyfriend when he’s finally getting divorced.
If he keeps postponing it and coming up with excuses as to why he can’t do it, then he needs to choose! It’s either you or her.
12. He has tried giving up on her in the past but wasn’t able to.
And finally, trial and error: he’s been trying to let go of her but he can’t.
I told you about how many people love their exes and don’t wish to spend the rest of their lives with someone else, so if this is your boyfriend, he’s likely to be sleeping with his ex.
It might take him months, or even years to move on, but ask yourself: “Is it okay for me to wait for something that might not even happen?”.
– How many ex-spouses end up remarrying with each other?
A lot of people divorce only for them to get back together and realize breaking up was a mistake—but this doesn’t happen all the time.
10% to 15% of divorced couples end up reconciling, according to studies.
If your partner has a close emotional/sexual relationship with his wife, despite everything that has happened, there’s a chance they’ll get back together.
– What to do if your boyfriend is still sleeping with his wife?
If your partner is still sleeping with his wife, it’s crucial for you to show him that his actions are detrimental to you.
It might be too soon for him to simply let go of her, however, he is actively choosing to be in a relationship with you and should stay loyal!
These are the 3 different paths you can take:
Communicate with him about how unhappy you are:
If you haven’t already, I recommend talking to him and letting him know that you know he’s been sleeping with his wife.
Tell him the truth about how that makes you feel and how it’s stopped your relationship from progressing any further.
Try to be as understanding as possible about his situation without letting him walk all over you—when confronted, cheaters take advantage of kindness!
Give him time:
Some men have a harder time letting go of the person they’re married to, and although it’s not your fault, you can choose to give him some time.
P.S. It’s going to hurt knowing that your partner is sleeping with another person, which might lead to something bigger.
Give him an ultimatum:
I’m not a big fan of ultimatums, however, enough is enough!
Your partner can’t have the best of both worlds and hurt you and his wife in the process; he needs to choose who he wants to be with.
If he has no intentions of ending his relationship with his wife, very respectfully tell him that you can no longer continue doing this and that he needs to make a decision.
Signs he’s ready to leave his wife for you — Has he fully moved on?
If you don’t have any concrete proof that he’s sleeping with his wife, then your assumption might be incorrect! And hopefully, that’s the case.
Looking at the situation from a more optimistic lens, your partner might have already given up on his wife and decided to focus on your relationship.
This is the case if:
1. He does not keep you a secret.
He has introduced you to his family and friends—he invites you to family and social gatherings and introduces you as his partner!
2. He encourages you to be close to his kids.
Children are a parent’s #1 priority and they’re really picky with who is allowed to stay near them.
If he has kids and encourages you to strengthen your bond with them, then he trusts you and wants you to play a major role in his life.
3. He’s planning his future with you.
He always uses phrases like “In the future we…” and makes big plans for the future.
He wants you two to move in together and figure out a schedule in which you get to meet and get close to his family.
4. He prioritizes you over his wife.
And if you two are a couple, that’s how it should be; if your boyfriend always puts you first, then he’s most likely moved on from his ex-spouse.
He doesn’t treat her as he did before because his focus is now on you—he’s there when you need him and never cancels plans, especially not for her.
5. He respects your boundaries.
He has never overstepped your boundaries and made you feel uncomfortable—all you needed to do was tell him once that you don’t appreciate him getting too close to his wife!
No excuses are needed because he no longer loves her; he has moved on from his past marriage and doesn’t want to risk losing you.
Your partner contacts his wife only when it’s absolutely necessary (about children or divorce arrangements) but does it very respectfully.
6. He wants to divorce her.
If your boyfriend is eager to divorce his ex-spouse and sighs a breath of relief after everything is settled, then he’s ready to move on with you.
- He doesn’t delay the process or justify his reasons for not wanting a divorce (e.g. telling you divorces are just too messy).
If he’s still sleeping with his wife, you need to find out ASAP!
If your partner is showing the 12 signs I talked about, then he might still be hung up on his wife and even sleeping with her.
You don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who will never put you first—trust me, you’re in for heartbreak.
How you want to find this out (e.g. by talking to him or spying on his phone) is up to you, what’s important is for the truth to come to light!