Finding a partner on dating sites is never a good thing.
It makes our hearts jump out of our chests and our minds race in all sorts of directions.
Finding out your boyfriend still uses online dating can make us wonder and overthink, and rightfully so. Why would he even feel the need to go on dating sites?!
Today, I’m going to answer all of your questions!
Without further ado, let’s look at 13 reasons why he’s still on dating sites:
1. Your relationship is yet not exclusive.
Before we continue, have you two had the “exclusive” talk yet?
An exclusive relationship is a relationship in which two people agree to not see other people.
Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, explains that exclusivity is a natural progression to a more committed relationship.
If you and your partner’s relationship isn’t quite exclusive yet, this makes him believe he has the right to act this way.
Although, in perspective, it should be known to not do anything that may be perceived as unfaithful and that could potentially hurt a partner, people attempt to find loopholes.
When two people are in an exclusive relationship, “exclusivity” gives them the strength and will to act in a certain, more appropriate way.
And in this case, if your relationship is relatively new, or yet not exclusive, there’s a high chance that your boyfriend is still testing the waters.
- He’s still giving your relationship a “test drive” and isn’t yet fully committed to it; in other words, he believes he still has the liberty to do what he wants with no consequences.
2. He wants as many options as possible.
By now, it shouldn’t be a surprise that men like having and exploring their options.
This is most likely the case if he is still on dating sites despite the fact that he told you he likes you.
He’s still using dating sites because he’s keeping his options open and looking for a plan B in case your relationship doesn’t work out.
He could be unsure of you and/or the relationship and doesn’t want to miss out on potential options.
Sadly, constantly being on the lookout is really common for men and dating sites provide the most convenient scenes for explorations; it’s easy, low-risk, and effective.
- This means that he doesn’t see you as a priority, and isn’t serious enough to go all in.
3. He is curious and thinks he can do better.
He might be thinking that he can do better and wants to know what’s out there.
He wants to see what the online dating scene is all about and what awaits him.
We can’t point fingers and accuse him of adultery, however, if he’s active on dating sites, he might not have your best interest in mind.
- Cheating comes in more forms other than physical, and ideologies such as these only lay the groundwork for potential infidelity
“I wonder if I can do better,” “I wonder what it’s like to try it out this once,” “I’m curious what’s out there,” “If I were single, I would be able to do so much more.”
Even if he’s simply doing a bit of harmless flirting with no intentions to further progress a relationship, it’s still hurtful and unfaithful.
4. He is bored and wants something new.
Boredom could be pushing him to check those dating sites.
To him, meeting and dating somebody else is fresh, exciting, and thrilling.
He’s tired of the same routine and wants to break free from it; he’s doing it by meeting and chatting with other women.
This does absolutely not mean that you’re “boring” or “not exciting”, because that’s not it.
- This is immaturity on his part, as he should’ve communicated to you the moment he’d feel the spark dim, or lose interest in the relationship.
Relationships aren’t video games that can be completed and then tossed away when stuff gets “boring” and “repetitive!”
5. He no longer has feelings for you.
A partner being active on dating sites is undoubtedly a bad sign and something to be concerned about.
The fact alone that he still has a profile is concerning and makes you wonder “Does he even love me?”
If you catch him red-handed on a dating site, it’s time to question his feelings for you.
The last thing people want to do once they love is hurt the person they love.
It’s possible that he no longer has feelings for you, he never did in the first place and lied about it, or his feelings have gotten weaker.
- A person who has eyes only for their partner would never be on the lookout for other options; the thought of cheating doesn’t even cross their mind.
6. He’s not active, but his account is still there.
Before we make any decisions and assumptions, let’s take a step back and check whether he’s actually active on dating sites!
There’s a chance that he doesn’t use his accounts anymore, but hasn’t deleted them.
From time to time, we should force ourselves to give people the benefit of the doubt.
A lot of people have created dating profiles at least once in their lifetime; accounts from ages ago that have since been forgotten.
It’s probable that the thought of deleting his accounts hasn’t crossed his mind ever since you two got into a relationship.
Is it carelessness and obliviousness on his part? Most definitely.
Is it something to worry about? Probably not, we’re all humans and make mistakes.
- Check his activity on whatever site you found him on, and if he hasn’t been active for a long time—or since the relationship started—he’s in the clear!
7. He wants validation and a stroke of his ego.
A lot of people go on dating sites because it helps stroke their ego.
They get matches or tons of compliments, and that makes them feel good and secure with themselves.
This makes them feel wanted, validated, and desired.
- He wants as much attention as he can get from as many people as possible; this gives him the validation he’s looking for.
- If a man goes on dating sites for the sole purpose of feeling good about himself, then he most likely has low self-esteem or is immature.
He craves other women’s attention and yours alone isn’t enough to satisfy his needs. A major red flag!
8. He believes his needs aren’t being met.
Be it emotional or physical, it’s possible he thinks his needs aren’t being met and that’s pushing him to search for other people.
- Maybe, he isn’t satisfied with the amount of attention and affection you’re giving him and is searching for ways—people—that will scratch his itch.
- He might also think his sexual desires aren’t being fulfilled and wants to find other women who can fulfill them.
This could mean that he’s either thinking of seeing other women with the purpose of cheating or is already cheating.
9. He is a player and wants to date/sleep with other women.
If your boyfriend is still using dating sites, he might just be a player, somebody who wants to date multiple women with no care in the world.
If he has a history of being a player, it’s no surprise that he’s attempting to get women through online dating sites.
- He has no intentions of committing to you or any of the other women he’s trying to woo.
He’s simply playing the role of a heartthrob to get them into his bed. To him, one woman isn’t enough and needs to have multiple to feel satisfied.
A player in a relationship often cheats by connecting with other people behind his partner’s back.
Dating sites present players with the best and most convenient opportunity to cheat.
10. He was planning on ending the relationship either way.
When a person isn’t happy with a relationship, their initial thought is to end it.
And if a person has been planning on doing that for a while, they won’t care any longer or make an effort to make the relationship work.
- If this is the case, his thought process goes something like this, “Might as well. I’m planning on breaking up either way.”
- He doesn’t care if he gets caught, and it might potentially save him the trouble of being the one who breaks up with you.
He’s checking out other women on dating sites and testing the waters before ending his relationship; he doesn’t mind if you find out.
This is only a possibility and we shouldn’t jump the gun.
Besides, if he’s this immature and cowardly, thank your lucky stars that he’s planning on leaving for good!
11. He is mindlessly and pointlessly passing time.
Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt once more—and for the last time.
Some people mindlessly scroll through dating sites to pass the time and see if there’s anyone they know there.
- People who do this have no intention of cheating on their partner; they’re just bored and want to find a way to pass the time.
Sometimes when we’re bored, we tend to scroll through social media and check what’s up and who’s in there.
Even if we never interact or anything of the sort—we’re simply bored and we just found a way to pass the time.
Think of it this way: he’s scrolling through dating sites the same way we pointlessly scroll through other social media.
You might be thinking, “Why out of every site, a dating one?”
You’d be surprised how nonchalant, clueless, and mindless some men can be!
He most likely didn’t think much of it and didn’t know he hurt you.
12. He is getting back at you for something you’ve done.
It’s time we consider the possibility that he’s getting back at you for something you’ve done to make him feel bad.
- A lot of people who get cheated on, seek to return the favor by cheating back, aka, revenge cheating.
Revenge cheating is more common than one might think, though!
Being cheated on is painful and humiliating; it leaves a person feeling devalued and betrayed.
From those negative feelings arise the thought and need to take revenge to regain some dignity.
If you have cheated on him, or if he too found your profiles on dating sites, chances are that he wants revenge, and he’s getting it by being active on sites like these.
He’s talking and meeting up with other women in an attempt to hurt you the same way you hurt him.
However, what pushes him to do this isn’t completely limited to being cheated on, and that leads us to:
13. He’s doing it out of spite because of his trust issues.
Overthinking can ruin a relationship.
Following up on the previous reason, being cheated on isn’t the only factor that pushed him to do this.
- He might be feeling threatened or afraid that you are being unfaithful to him, so, in “defense”, he’s still on dating sites talking to other people.
- He’s insecure and as a result, he’s trying to make you feel insecure as well.
It’s not uncommon for men to pull this type of behavior as it makes them believe they’re regaining control and rebuilding their pride.
Though, all it does is ruin the relationship.
A person with trust issues has—as you might guess—difficulties trusting others, especially partners.
That distrust urges them to often overthink, jump to conclusions, hold grudges, and feel insecure about the relationship.
My boyfriend is active on dating sites—what should I do about it?
So, you realized he is still using online dating—through SwindlerBuster or other ways—what’s next?
Taking action and the aftermath are the hardest part of this messy situation.
You might be wondering what to do, say, or even if you should do or say anything, and this is my advice to you: don’t let it slide.
If something hurts now, it will hurt tomorrow and forever; don’t compromise your boundaries.
Don’t fret! I got you covered with 6 things to do after realizing your boyfriend is still using dating sites:
– Take your time to calm down the intensity of emotions you’re experiencing right now.
First things first, I want you to take a deep breath and keep calm.
I know that finding out that your boyfriend is on dating sites is shocking and painful, however, it’s important to keep your cool.
When we’re in this state of mind, it affects our rational thinking, and that’s the last thing we want.
Take a deep breath and pour yourself a glass of water or a cup of tea to help you relax.
– If you’ve decided you want to hear him out, confront him in a calm way.
If you came to the decision that you do wish to hear him out, do so by confronting him in a calm and rational manner.
Bring up the topic in a calm way which leaves him unable to be rude or put the blame on you.
Tell him how you found out he’s still on dating sites, and how hurtful and confusing that is.
I know you might want to let your anger, disappointment, and pain all out, however, a harsh approach is usually ineffective.
Yelling, cursing, and not letting him explain himself will push him to get defensive and give an unsatisfactory explanation.
Instead, what you want to do is have a calmer and more mature approach in order to allow your boyfriend to express himself freely and sincerely.
- “Hey, I found out that you’re still on [dating site] through [a friend, a co-worker] and I would like to talk about it. I feel hurt and confused, and I was hoping to clear things up a bit.”
– Be truthful about the way you found out.
While confronting him about it, chances are that he’ll ask you about how you found him.
In that case, be honest about it.
Let him know if someone told you if you used a profile-checking app/site, if you’ve been doubting him and decided to test him, or even if you were using the site too.
Whatever it is, be straightforward but don’t allow the conversation to be all about the way you found out.
Telling the means you used to find out will create space for you two to talk heart-to-heart and re-evaluate your relationship.
You were either under the impression that he was being unfaithful, or you were both looking for other people.
Whichever it is, put all of your cards on the table and have a much-needed talk.
– Pay attention to the way he reacts when you bring it up.
Sometimes, the way people react to a situation speaks more than words.
That’s why it’s important to be extra attentive to the way he reacts when he gets caught.
This situation could play out in these ways:
- He tries to shift the blame to you. “I can’t believe you actually checked!”
When guilty people are confronted, they try to shift the blame and distract from their wrongdoing.
- He lies and says that he’s not on dating sites. “What are you talking about, I’m not on dating sites!”
If he lies even though you have proof that he’s still on dating sites, then that’s not healthy.
- He takes full accountability and apologizes. “I know, and I’m sorry about it. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
At least he’s able to take accountability for what he’s done and is sorry about it.
He believes that it’s not worth losing you over silly mistakes he could easily prevent. He might even offer to delete his account if it makes you feel better.
Based on his reactions—whether they’re appropriate or not—come to a decision whether you want to forgive or let go.
– Think about the credibility of his explanation.
When and if he gives you an explanation, think about whether it checks out or not.
Did he say that his friend was using it? Did he say that he created that account when he was young and hasn’t used it since?
Or did he admit to having ill intentions while using it?
Whatever his explanation is, think about whether you’re satisfied and okay with it.
Think about whether he’s lying or telling the truth.
As I mentioned above, just on the off case that he had no intentions of being unfaithful, allow him to express his thoughts and feelings.
But still, it’s not your fault if his actions push you to break up with him; after all, being present on a dating site while in a relationship is not something to be taken lightly.
– If it has a negative impact on you, consider letting go.
At the end of the day, if it’s too much, maybe it’s best to let go.
Whether his explanation is good enough or not and whether he apologizes and promises to never repeat it again, the damage has been done.
Oftentimes, rebuilding trust in a relationship once it’s broken is hard, and you know what, that’s completely okay.
A lot of people encourage others to forgive and forget, however, is that really the way? Can they even practice what they preach?
Forgiving isn’t easy, and forgetting is nearly impossible.
So, don’t feel forced to stay in a relationship that makes you feel hurt, unloved, and insecure.
If he’s active on dating sites, is that considered cheating?
Yes, being active on dating sites is considered cheating.
There is absolutely no reason for a guy who’s in a relationship to be going on dating sites. Absolutely none.
I wish I could sugarcoat it some way, but I can’t. Being active on dating sites is no different from being active in the real-life dating scene.
Let’s be honest: they’re called ‘dating’ apps for a reason, and the reason is that people use them for dating and other relationships—physical and emotional.
How ignorant can a person be to not know that what they’re doing is wrong?
Everybody is different…
We might try and try to make something work, however, the unwillingness on our partner’s part will always outweigh our genuine efforts.
Sometimes, no matter what, we can’t change the way people act.
If they do something purposely even though they’re aware that it’s wrong, then they’re a lost cause.