“How you get them is how you lose them” — Is there any truth to this?


Dating a cheater who left their significant other for you begs the question “Will the same thing happen to me?”.

But, does that happen all the time? Or to be more specific, how likely is it for history to repeat itself in this situation?

Today I’ll be answering an age-old question!

– What does “How you get them is how you lose them” mean?

What does “How you get them is how you lose them” mean

Basically, “How you get them is how you lose them” insinuates that if a non-single person cheats on and leaves their s.o. for you, they’ll repeat the same thing in your relationship.

I.e. cheat on you with somebody else.

5%-7% of affairs lead to marriages, however, over 70% end up in divorce, explains Dr. Kathy Nickerson, and I can only imagine what % of those relationships also fail due to cheating.

– How common is cheating in relationships and marriages?

General Social Survey data pinpoints the gender difference in cheating: 20% of men vs. 13% of women cheat on their spouse.

As many as 30%-40% of unmarried couples and 18%-20% of married couples cheat, according to sources by Wikipedia, but the numbers change for each country!

Another survey by YouGov reveals that 13% of male respondents and 16% of female respondents admitted cheating (emotionally or physically) on their partner.

– If a person cheats once, will they cheat again?

If a person cheats once, will they cheat again

“Once a cheater, always a cheater” unfortunately has some truth to it.

In the research article, Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships”, we learn that not every person cheats on their partner for a second or even third time.

However, cheaters are three times more likely to cheat again if they’ve cheated before.

This happens because the reasons for cheating in the first place vary: some do it out of anger, some have fallen out of love, and some are cheaters by nature.

If the person in question has a history of continuously cheating on their partners, then it’s recommended to at least keep that fact in mind!

My opinion on the whole “How you get them is how you lose them” predicament.

The reason why many of us believe this saying is that having “stolen” another person’s partner says a lot about the partner’s character.

Yeah maybe they had a shaky relationship, and yeah, maybe they fell in love with you, however, your partner’s willingness to cheat once breaks their credibility.

We hear stories about cheaters who are glad they cheated because they wouldn’t have met their current spouse had they not done it.

In perspective, this is a happy ending for the cheater and their current s.o., but what about the cheatee? They experienced pain at the time of the affair.

I am not saying that being dumped hurts any less, however, it would at least not be classified as “cheating” if two people are already broken up.

To learn more about the cheater in question, we first need to learn about what causes cheating, which according to HealthLine are:

  1. Anger;
  2. Losing feelings;
  3. Situational factors;
  4. Fear of commitment;
  5. Relationship dissatisfaction;
  6. High sex-drive;
  7. A thirst for variety, and;
  8. Low self-esteem.
  • If your partner is an angry person, they are likely to cheat on you as soon as they don’t get their way, and if they’re the type to lose feelings quickly and cheat as a result, their character won’t suddenly change.
  • If situational factors easily influence them, your beloved will always feel tempted to cheat when specific people are present.
  • Commitment issues make people more inclined to cheat and the same thing happens if a person is unreasonably high-maintenance.
  • A person who enjoys variety in sex and has a high libido, more or less, thinks the same, which might be the reason why your partner cheated with you.
  • And, low self-esteem pushes people to seek other partners in an attempt to look and feel desirable.

Aka, if your significant other is a cheater point-blank, getting with you will not change that part of theirs.

If you were to ask me, there is no excuse for cheating, but looking at it objectively, many cheaters are urged to do something they end up regretting.

So, it’s possible for your partner to have been in a horrible situation, and cheated in a moment of weakness—their cheating on you isn’t sealed fate!

What are the signs that suggest your partner will cheat on you too?

If the thought of your partner cheating again makes you paranoid (especially after learning about the probability of it happening), take a deep breath.

You can find out if they’re cheating, and fairly easy might I add!

The best advice is to observe your cheating partner’s behavior and see if you can find any similarities from when you two were sneaking together.

1. They’re recycling the same excuses they did when you two were cheating.

“I’m going out with my cousin tonight. I won’t be home until late.”

If your partner has started telling you things they used to tell their partner in order to sneak out and meet you, you’re in trouble!

Look for specific phrases and excuses, e.g. your partner telling you they need to go take care of something real quick and disappearing for hours.

2. They are pulling away from you, emotionally and sexually.

They are pulling away from you, emotionally and sexually

Your relationship’s quality has greatly decreased in the sense that you two barely talk anymore and rarely get in bed together.

Not to confuse this with the honeymoon phase being over though, as your partner might be pulling away due to cheating and giving up on the relationship.

Bringing back my previous point, if your partner acted the same exact way with their prior partner while cheating on them, then the same thing is happening.

3. They are talking to new people every day.

Your partner seeing and talking to someone you’re not familiar with is a red flag, even more so if the partner is someone who has cheated in the past.

They could be someone who, as we established, loves having variety and options, which doesn’t quite make for boyfriend/girlfriend material.

4. They are very stingy with their phone

If it seems as if your partner is trying to hide their phone at all costs from you, they might be using it to cheat (as most people sadly do).

They tilt their phone away from you, take it with them wherever they go, and always have it on silent—on top of this, your partner is using their phone a lot.

Wherever you ask to use it, your partner makes it abundantly clear they don’t want you to.

5. They’re lying to you and keeping secrets.

Your partner tells you odd, small lies here and there, usually about their schedule and people they know.

For example, they might be telling you they’re working late only for you to find out they were partying—once you call them out, they start “breadcrumbing” you the truth.

Secret-keeping is very common with cheaters as well because they find not telling you anything easier than lying.

The next time your partner refuses to answer a question, keep this in mind.

6. Your partner’s exes have reached out to you.

I love it when people leave their differences aside to save other people from pain, and this phenomenon happens quite often in the dating world!

If people have reached out to you to tell you that your partner is not a good person (to date), don’t ignore them or think they’re doing it out of spite.

The fact that your partner’s exes are trying to save you is a powerful sign on its own, and if we pair it with the other signs on the list, it’s almost certain.

At the end of the day, how you get them is how you lose them.

People cheat because they’re cheaters; there are so many ways to avoid being one, including a breakup, but people still go against their better judgment.

You’re either 0% or 100% committed to someone and there’s nothing in between, so your partner’s affair with you may suggest commitment issues.

But again, they might harbor genuine feelings if you’re their first-ever affair—just because it happened once, doesn’t mean it’ll happen again.


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