There’s nothing quite as gut-wrenching in a relationship as realizing that a partner is being possibly unfaithful.

With many services like SwindlerBuster, busting online cheaters suddenly doesn’t seem all that impossible.

But that begs the question: what do you do after finding your boyfriend or husband on a dating app?

After calming down, you need to get ready for the confrontation. Here’s what to do, step-by-step!

1. First of all..avoid assuming the worst.

I know that seeing your partner on dating platforms is an ugly sight to behold—you’re feeling upset and the last thing you want to do is calm down.

We should keep our cool in situations that require rational and calm thinking.

Take a deep breath and get yourself to calm down—although it’s obvious what them being on dating sites means, don’t assume anything just yet.

2. Find out whether he’s active on the dating apps.

According to facts from a study on online dating, three in ten US adults have admitted to ever using a dating site or app.

Meanwhile, apps like Tinder delete inactive users’ accounts or at the very least make them invisible, some apps don’t do that.

He may not be using it and factually hasn’t used it in a while.

• See his activity status on the app;
• Check if his profile is being updated;
• See for yourself if he responds or not.

If he shows signs of being active, then by all means, go ahead and don’t let him get away with it.

3. Confront him about it.

Note that you don’t have to confront him if you don’t want to; if you’re thinking of simply breaking up with him, I 100% understand.

Though, I can’t help but recommend that you discuss with him if you care about the relationship.

Calmly approach him so that he won’t feel the need to lie or defend himself—if he still does, that’s one more reason to give him the boot.

Don’t accuse him of anything yet, but do ask for his reason.

• “Hey, I thought I’d talk to you about your [dating app] profile before jumping to any conclusion. Is there something you want to tell me?”

4. Tell him how it made you feel.

It should be quite obvious how a partner would feel in this type of situation, but men never cease to amaze us with just how clueless they can be.

Whatever the case, express how him being—potentially active—on dating apps/sites makes you feel.

Do so calmly and rationally.

5. Remind him of your boundaries.

It is not up to us to impose decisions on people. Our responsibility is to show them our boundaries and let them freely pick their choices.

In this case, you want to make it clear that you don’t want a partner who’s active on dating sites and that it doesn’t make you feel validated.

You can tell him something along these lines:

• “It makes me uncomfortable knowing that you still have your dating profiles. I’m not going to impose a decision on you, though this crosses my boundaries, and I’m willing to leave if you continue this behavior.”

6. Watch his reactions closely.

Whenever you decide to talk to him about it, pay close attention to his reactions and behavior.

By doing so, we’ll get a better understanding of the backstory.

According to EvolveTherapy, it can be a bit tricky to tell a guilty person apart from an innocent one, however, some signs help, such as:

• Attempting to deflect the topic;
• Lying about certain things;
• Panicking;
• Refusing to cooperate;
• Denying all accusations despite obvious proof;

If his behavior looks something like this, there’s a high chance that he’s been using dating platforms as a form of cheating.

7. Tell him the truth about how you found out.

Dating apps and websites are usually very firm with their users’ privacy; finding a dating profile isn’t that easy.

This means that to find someone on a dating app, we would have to:

Use a third-party app/site—such as Swindlerbuster—to find a dating profile or make a dating account ourselves.

By talking things out with him, you’re allowing the relationship to progress and grow healthy,

And however things turn out, you’ll find comfort in the fact that you were honest. What was supposed to happen, happened.

8. Know that what you’re feeling is valid and understandable.

Realize that what you’re feeling is completely reasonable and normal—despite his attempts to convince you otherwise.

You’re not overthinking or being insecure, not even one bit.

Finding a partner on dating platforms is enough to make anyone uncomfortable and upset—you’re not alone.

In my experience, whenever there’s a sound reason to get upset, a toxic partner tends to make it seem as if you’re acting “crazy”  or overthinking.

9. Decide if you want to end or continue the relationship.

Taking all things into consideration, it’s up to you to decide if the relationship should go on.

Think about the next step in your relationship.

Consider his reasons, explanation, and overall stance during this time and give a long, hard thought about whether he deserves a second chance or not.

• Did his response satisfy you? Did it explain anything? Or did he cross a boundary he shouldn’t have?

Sometimes, letting go is easier than holding onto certain people.

Possible reasons why he’s on dating apps.

After the dust settles a little, your mind is likely to wander. Why is he on dating apps?

Here are some common reasons why men in relationships go on dating sites:

1. He’s on dating platforms to cheat. Let’s get one of the most common and painful reasons: he’s there intending to cheat emotionally or sexually.
2. He wants attention or validation. He wants more people to notice him and make him feel wanted—this is usually a sign of low self-esteem.
3. He forgot to delete his account. As I mentioned, some dating platforms don’t delete inactive users’ accounts, and considering that the majority of people have had a dating profile at least once in their lives, this is a plausible explanation. 
4. He’s just looking. Another reason why people in relationships visit dating sites is to look around and enjoy the view; See what they’re missing out on, sort of.
5. He hasn’t/doesn’t want to fully commit. He can’t and/or doesn’t want to commit to a serious, exclusive relationship and is using dating apps as an escape. Now, do note that a fear of commitment is usually caused by bigger, underlying issues that make people afraid and/or unwilling to commit.
6. He’s doing it out of spite. He’s hoping to get his revenge and show you that if he wanted to, he could have other women.

Yes. being on dating apps is considered cheating.

No question is needed. Having dating profiles seriously breaches the trust in your relationship on multiple levels.

For starters, he’s most likely not there to make friends. And even if he’s not connecting on a physical level, it’s quite inappropriate for a man in a relationship to be active on dating sites.

Do not let your partner gaslight you into believing his actions are okay: you have a mind of your own, capable of acknowledging your worth!